


Everything passes

by hillaryclinton



Category: Dream SMP - Fandom, Minecraft (Video Game), Video Blogging RPF
Genre: Alcohol, Angst and Hurt/Comfort, Being Lost, Boys Kissing, Confusion, Drunk Sex, Drunken Kissing, Enemies to Friends to Lovers, Hearing Voices, I Don't Even Know, M/M, Mental Health Issues, Mental Instability, Mentions of Suicide, NSFW, Neighbors, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Self-Harm, Service Dogs, Sexual Confusion, Slow Burn, Smoking, Technoblade Has PTSD (Video Blogging RPF), Technoblade Hears Voices (Video Blogging RPF), Triggers, Warnings In Chapter Notes, a lot of fluff, but the voices wont spam E im sorry, don't read if it's too heavy, getting better, it will be kinda chaotic, lying, smoking weed, techno pov mostly, they be gay, youtube things
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2021-02-19
Updated: 2021-03-11
Packaged: 2021-03-15 12:35:31
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 6
Words: 9,938
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/29559204
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hillaryclinton/pseuds/hillaryclinton
Summary: Technoblade is trying to get his life on track, to start something new on his own and live peacefully and alone. The chaotic life, in which he was nothing more than a bystander, needs to end. However, he never thought that living on his own will make things even harder. He soon will come to realize that being alone and independent beyond reason is not going to fix him nor his problems.He needs help and he will recieve some.---------------------------------This is a work of fiction, so please relax my dudesI update at least once a week, sometimes more :)Also, be a nice person to everyone, thank you byeeee
Relationships: Clay | Dream/Technoblade (Video Blogging RPF)
Comments: 21
Kudos: 115





	1. Hoping

He stood on the balcony, gently holding a barely lit cigarette. As he looked into the distance, he felt some kind of warmth inside his mind, even though it was freezing outside. Wearing nothing but an oversized sweater and pajama pants, he felt as if there was nothing more beautiful in the world than this fleeting moment. It was getting dark, tiny snowflakes were falling from the grey sky, coating the world with a cold, white blanket. He felt the smoke filling his lungs and he was full of gratefulness. He didn’t quite understand what exactly he was glad for, but it was one of the best feelings he’s ever experienced. It was obvious to him, that in this place, at this moment, nothing bad could happen to him. This was unfamiliar territory for his mind, since there always was, somewhere in the back of his brain, a sense of dread and doubt. Yet now, there was nothing but warmth and comfort inside him. He didn’t mind the loneliness nor the cold. As he was huffing his cigarette, he realized that this house soon won’t be his home. He would move on and try to start something on his own. Finally. He gently picked up some snow from the balcony railing and pondered if he too would disappear and melt away if someone touched him with such care. He wouldn’t know and he wasn’t sure if he’ll ever find out, but it was okay. Everything was okay. He was okay, even if he was alone, or especially then. 

Social interactions were draining for him, he preferred being on his own. It’s not like he couldn’t handle himself around people, quite on the contrary, he always knew how to make people laugh and make them comfortable in his presence. But it was nothing, if not a spectacle. That’s what mainly bothered him about social events and interacting with others – he was never sure if he was playing a character or not. Often, he sided with the first option and that made him insecure. Of course, no one could tell, the façade of confidence and calmness was always there, protecting him from any possible comfort, that his friends maybe would have to offer. Truth was, he didn’t like being cared for. It always felt like he was a burden on someone, and that was the worst of his fears. So, he lived quietly, never talking about anything important or hard for him, never daring to share the pieces of his soul that were simply broken. 

Soon, he tossed the cigarette and filled with comfort returned to his dad’s house in Alaska. He knew who he was and what exactly was wrong with him. And there were a lot of things that he considered wrong about himself. Nevertheless, he never let anyone walk over him or belittle him. That’s when he stood tall and was ready to take on whatever or whoever dared to make him feel little or helpless. That was his, only he could treat himself badly and question what he was. He held onto that power and cut off anyone who wanted a piece of it. But, right now, it didn’t matter, because for the first time in months he felt okay. His mind was empty, but his soul was calm. He didn’t have to fight for his life, he didn’t need to be alert and controlling. He has a dream job, he has some friends, and he finally will get a sense of stability in his life. He loved his family, even his stepparents, but living with them after he returned from university, which did absolutely nothing for him, was suffocating. There always was someone around him, always nagging, talking, rumbling around. He hated it. Now, his family left for a short ski trip, so he was at peace with no one but himself to keep him company. Even his inner voices were suspiciously quiet today. 

It was good, he felt good and he was hopeful for the future. Getting his own place, streaming, having a routine and adopting a dog. He needed it, he truly needed some order and quiet in his life. Because up until this point he felt as if he was just a bystander in his own world. Watching as the friendships, romances and time flew uncontrollably fast in front of him. He was never good with establishing a routine or planning ahead, but he wanted to change that. He wanted to learn a different way. This chaotic life and sleepless nights had to go. In times of stress and hardship, he always told himself over and over again, almost like a mantra, that everything in life passes, so no matter how miserable or broken he was, it would all eventually pass, just as this formidable in its beauty winter will pass and the cold will be gone. 

He loved the snow, he didn’t really want to go back to California. Maybe he’ll find an apartment elsewhere. He decided that he will start looking right now, since he had a lot of energy and that was a rare occurrence.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So this is very new to me. I've never written any fanfiction and i've never written any stories in english. So please, point out any mistakes, i wanna learn!
> 
> Also i'm a major procrastinator my dudes, updating regularly won't be by any means easy for me. So yeah, i'm quite nervous about this, but i hope you'll like it ;)


	2. Good things

First week in the new apartment was great. He found a modest, already furnished flat in a small apartment building. It wasn’t in any way fancy, the walls were mostly white, only in his bedroom they were dark grey. It was very clean and bright with big windows. The kitchen was quite small, but he didn’t mind, since he couldn’t cook at all and doordash was his best friend. When he moved in, he thought about learning how to cook at least the most basic dishes. New home, new habits and bright future – his perfect plan. He was actually pleasantly surprised how smoothly things were going. He was prepared for failure, he imagined himself procrastinating unpacking, putting his new life on hold for several days, maybe even weeks, before actually starting living it. Just chill for a bit, go easy, no worries. That’s how he’d always go about things that required effort. And most of the time, he didn’t even care, he grew so used to being disappointed in himself that he accepted the feeling of guilt before it even came. 

But this first week… he was so calm and energetic. He unpacked most of his belongings the first day, he set up his computer, including the second monitor, and ordered a few new things that he needed, but didn’t bother to buy earlier. At the end of the day he was exhausted, but in a fulfilling way. He did good, he actually did well. He lied in his new bed, covered in fresh sheets, utterly bewildered. He stared at the ceiling for a good amount of time, trying to process how did he do all this work in one day. Sure, he was motivated to the point of unhealthy obsession, when he wanted to prove something to the outside world, but whenever he tried to prove his worth to himself, he failed. So, he eventually stopped trying and set the bar for himself lower and lower. It is painful to lose and it is crushing to admit defeat to the most basic tasks. He never lied to himself, he was aware of how useless he was. The inner voices always reminded him about it and he did not question it much. “It is, what it is” – that was his usual response. He didn’t feel that way now though. He was thinking about it all, trying to figure it all out, to actually understand what has changed. He was happy, but a little worried that it will all go away. His suspicion grew, but before it could shift into anxiety, he felt himself peacefully drift away from confusing motivation to peaceful sleep.

“Huh” – he audibly mumbled, when he woke up refreshed and not tired. This caused more confusion, but he decided quickly, that he will not question it, instead he will get up, take a shower and accept the gift, that good sleep gave him. Later this day, he decided to talk to Phil, his good friend, about this whole new and exciting predicament. He expressed his bewilderment and also joy, that came with it. Phil told him to not overthink this, or he would end up spending all this newly found energy on worrying, when there is nothing scary about good things in life. Soon, his friend left the call to start his stream.

_Does he even really know you? We know you better. You should worry. You had one productive day, you did some basic tasks and suddenly you think that yo–_

He put in his headphones and dressed himself, while humming to old Avicii songs. They reminded him of holidays with his family. He went out to get some everyday use products and cigarettes. He lighted one on his way back home. It was nice, to call this place home already.

It was quite cold outside, but he didn’t mind. He felt himself smiling, as he breathed out the smoke. He soon was back in his flat. He ordered some tacos, even though he bought groceries earlier. He didn’t feel lazy or guilty about it. He hated cooking, so he just promised himself that he will make some sandwiches later and that’s it. He found no use in forcing himself into doing things that he hates. After he ate, he decided to actually stream for a bit. What was supposed to be a short stream, turned out to be a four-hour chill stream. He had a blast and finished it only after he got nicotine-starved and found himself thinking a lot about these sandwiches he wanted to make.

The next few days went down similarly. He noticed that he smoked more than usual, but figured it was only natural since he wasn’t living with his family. Back then he didn’t want to smoke in front of his younger siblings and it also didn’t feel right to smoke when his mom was around. He never admitted that he was a smoker to any of his online friends nor his audience, most people find smoking to be a nasty habit. True, it is, but he liked it and no one really had to know about it.

The second week came and he started to miss his family a little bit. It wasn’t too intense, but he often just stopped what he was doing to think about them and wonder what his little sisters are up to. He was chatting with his brother regularly, but felt reluctant to reach out to his parents. He didn’t want them to think that he wasn’t independent enough to live on his own. He knew it was a stupid way to think, but his mind wasn’t a tamed beast and most of the time it just did what it wanted. He didn’t care too much though, because his mother was constantly sending him cute pictures of Floof and his dad seemed to have an unlimited supply of awful memes. The truth was, he missed Floof more than anyone, he didn’t know if it made him a bad person or if he just doesn’t miss people that much in general. During this week he often contemplated adopting a dog. It would give him some company and a reason to go outside more. He listened to music and podcasts more and more these days, because the silence in an empty flat felt off and made him feel vulnerable to the voices, which weren’t too obnoxious recently, but they most definitely were still there. He still was content, and he managed to sleep throughout the night without waking up. He had enough energy to stream every other day, spoiling his usually content-starved subscribers. He was still calm and overall fine, but somedays he caught himself thinking about his past too much. Sometimes that warmth he felt last week was replaced by emptiness. “It’s fine, no one feels happy all the time” – he said when instead of feeling good, he didn’t feel any emotion at all and it was the truth.

The third week came, and more nothingness with it. He streamed twice and felt a little tired afterwards. He didn’t smoke as much, so that was good. Although it was caused only by his unwillingness to go outside. He genuinely wanted to get to know the town’s topography better, but he just wanted to stay home for a bit. He only went to the nearby shelter to walk some dogs. Other than that, he spent most of his time playing Bannerlord or watching his friends’ streams and videos. He didn’t feel like socializing, so he hasn’t talked as much with them, but he liked to hear Phil laughing with his viewers while placing sand in his hardcore world and he enjoyed Wilbur’s chill streams. He was consuming a lot of content and sometimes felt bad about making less content than his friends. He loved to see his friends’ audiences grow. He admired Cara’s quick growth and sometimes chatted with her about writing some plot for the Dream SMP together, he liked how her character was just as sarcastic as his. Nevertheless, he sometimes noticed that he was comparing his and his colleagues‘ statistics in his head. That, he did not like, but it was, what it was and he just shrugged it off. The third week was also very silent and the silence made him anxious. However, most of the time he was just zoned out and didn’t think about anything particular. He sometimes didn’t even remember what he was doing a few minutes ago. He sometimes forgot to eat as well. The uneventful week slowly passed and he didn’t even know when the Sunday came.

The fourth week began and he realized something – the scary thing about the good things in life is that, when they crumble and melt away into oblivion, you wish they had never happened, because the higher you get, the harder you will fall.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So, that was depressing to write. Lemme know what you think my dudes


	3. Rivals

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Big D's pov

I woke up this morning feeling angry, but confident. I’ve trained hard for today. It’s been bothering me for months. Of course, it’s all fun and games on the screen, but this actually means a lot to me. I just need to beat him at his own game and that’s it. It is so stupid when I stop to think about it, but I can’t really control it. I don’t think that Nick gets it, he is either too stoned or too busy with his new partner to care. Even if he did care, I don’t think he would understand this. Well, to be honest, even I don’t understand why I care about beating this idiot so much. I don’t need to prove anything, but on the other hand… I do. It is very confusing how much I don’t like that guy. No matter the reason behind this whole rivalry, today it’s going to end. No fuckin draws, no losses.

I’ve always told myself that no matter what I’m going to do for a living, I’m going to be the best at it. Whether it was going to be programming, coding or social media. Well, I’m the best at what I do now. It’s not exactly what I’ve imagined for myself, no. In fact, it’s a thousand times better. I can work with my friends whenever I want, my fanbase is massive and money… My friends and I won’t need to worry about it ever again. That was me, I did that. I worked very hard and my career blew up in such a short time, I couldn’t even believe it at first. But there is this fucking dude, who kicked my ass in a Minecraft duel, won a hundred k, threw me half of it for God knows what and is constantly mocking me. I don’t get it. He doesn’t work hard, he hardly ever streams and it seems like uploading videos is just this unfamiliar concept to him. Fair, he has been streaming more in the past few weeks, but now he’s gone again. He can’t stay serious or focused for more than thirty seconds. He is doing this for like a million years and doesn’t even have half of my audience and yet everyone thinks he’s hot shit. More than that, everyone thinks that he is more skilled than I am. And the worst part about all of this? He makes me feel like I need to prove myself every time I interact with him, meanwhile he is just cracking jokes and fucking around. It’s pathetic really.

We are supposed to stream bed wars today. Teams, co-op and then 1v1. Little does he know, I’ve trained for this since October. I just needed to get good enough to beat him easily and then convince him to do this. I didn’t expect the second to be that hard. Honestly, I think he hates me just as much as I want to beat him. So yeah, training with Nick and Purpled was nice, talking to my rival was a pain in the ass. And convincing him to actually stream bed wars with me was a trip through hell. It took two months and a promise of massive clout to get him on board. I don’t usually have any problems when it comes to chatting and befriending people, but this fucking guy makes me want to punch a hole in the wall. I don’t get it. He manages to be normal with Phil, Will and Tommy, the whole SBI bullshit. He’s friendly with Skeppy, Niki, Ranboo, even Alex, but for some reason I can’t ever break through his online persona or whatever. He must detest me.

A loud laughter interrupted my inner monologue. I was already on edge, but Sapnap and his significant other made it even worse. When I got downstairs to make some cereal for breakfast, there was trash everywhere. Empty soda bottles, dirty dishes, a shit ton of candy wrappers and crisps crumbs. One stoner in the house was manageable, but two is too much and they enable each other, too. I have nothing against weed, but Jesus Christ, clean up after you’ve eaten everything in the house.

Here they are, walking down the stairs laughing and playfully shoving each other. Two messes in love with each other. It’s actually nice to see them so happy.

“Hey dude! How you doing? Big day, huh?” – Nick yelled when he saw me staring at them.

“Yeah, Imma beat his ass” – I responded casually – “and then imma beat yours, clean up your shit guys, please, or help me God I will lose my mind.”

“Sure, chill, we’ll get to it now. Right?” – he looked at the love of his life apparently.

“Yup, I’m just gonna pee first, be right back” – they kissed Nick briefly and ran off.

“Sorry about the mess. We’ll try to be more civilized, we good?”

“Sure” – I responded lightly – “we good. So… I have this whole stream in two hours.”

“Yeah, I remember. You look kind of tense. You got this, I’ve trained you well and he hasn’t played bed wars in ages or so he says. You are golden, dude. You got this.” – he squeezed my shoulder warmly.

“Thanks, as I’ve said, Imma beat his pig ass.”

After a little more banter and breakfast I run upstairs, took a shower and turned on my PC. He was supposed to message me on Discord when he’s ready, so I had a little more time to kill before I get to pop off. Just to be completely sure and ready I turned on hypixel and played a few games. Of course, I won them all. He won’t be that easy to beat, I’ve underestimated him before and I won’t do it again, but still. He doesn’t have a chance.

What I didn’t expect is for him to not show up at all. At first, I thought that he simply will be late, but two hours and not a single word? This fucking guy. I can’t believe this asshole. Before thinking I messaged him.

_What the hell is wrong with you?!_

Half an hour later. No response. I was fuming, he doesn’t have a care in the world, huh? 

_Seriously? ur going to ignore me now?_

“What do you mean he didn’t show up? Hasn’t he announced it like two weeks ago to his viewers?” – Nick looked at me confused – “and he didn’t even tell you about calling if off or anything?”

“He fucking didn’t! In fact, he is still ignoring me and I’ve sent him like five messages. What the fuck is wrong with him, honestly!” – I threw my hands in the air with frustration.

“It actually doesn’t sound like him, to be honest.”

“What do you mean? Dude never streams and goes dark whenever he pleases.” – I groaned.

“Yeah, yeah, sure. But like… I mean. Okay, he slept in on Phil once, but other than that? I’ve never seen him miss a scheduled stream in which the potential clout was to be gained.” – He said seriously, voice deeper than normal.

“Why do you talk like that, are you high?” – I raised an eyebrow.

“Nah, I’m going to be, though. Wanna join?” – he smirked.

“What about Eli? Aren’t they coming over?”

“Nah, not today, some family thing, parents' anniversary or something.”

“Okay, then. I’m down, I need to chill after what that prick pulled off.”

And so we chilled.

I woke up and looked at my phone. It was already 1 pm, we really did chill last night. I looked through some fanart and while scrolling I saw a lot of tweets from disappointed fans. Of course, they were disappointed, so was I. We announced this stream quite a while ago. Some people even counted days to it. I felt anger bubble up inside me once again. I wondered what he had to say for himself. I pulled up discord. He still hasn’t fucking replied. “I am so fucking done” – I muttered to myself. I tried calling him. Nothing.

_jesus fucking christ dude, what the fuck. listen, you don’t have to like me or anything but you agreed to do this stream, we fucking told everyone about it. ppl are mad. just fucking explain please._

In the evening I started to get concerned. I was still angry, but as Nick said, it was like him to sleep in, but he couldn’t possibly sleep for two whole ass days. Hell, maybe more, I haven’t exactly talked to him after we scheduled the stream. And I don’t think he would purposefully ignore me after fucking up like this. We weren’t friends, but I think our relationship is based at least on mutual respect. I decided to message Phil, he probably won’t be up now, but he’s most likely to know what’s going on with his best friend. I was surprised when he replied almost immediately. He asked me to call him tomorrow around 1 pm my time.

I thought that maybe till the next day I will hear from the _gonedarkboi.exe_ , but I didn’t. So I called Phil as he asked.

“Hey, thanks for calling, you kind of woke me up yesterday” – he said in his thick accent.

“Yeah, I’m sorry. I assumed you’d have your phone on silent and reply when it’s convenient. But yeah, sorry” – we never talked much, I knew he was a pretty cool guy, but I wasn’t sure how to talk to him yet.

“It’s okay, mate. So, he still hasn’t replied?”

I hummed in response.

“Okay” – he paused and sighed – “So, I’m worried about him. It’s not something he does. And I can’t reach him either. I’m honestly scared for him. He hasn’t even liked any tweets. Before you ask, yeah I checked. He tends to ignore people sometimes, but now, it’s like he is missing. I’m almost certain something is wrong, Dream.”

I was a little taken aback. I thought that Phil would know something, anything really. Instead, he sounded very concerned.

“Hey, I’m sure he’s fine. Maybe he was just tired or something. I just don’t know what to tell people, they keep asking about him.”

“No, Dream, you don’t get it. He…” – he paused for some time, probably wondering if he should share this with me – “he isn’t exactly well. He’s got a lot going on, I thought he was getting better lately, but I guess I was wrong. I have no idea what to do. He never gave me his family’s number or anything.”

He sounded so defeated, it almost seemed like he was going to cry. I was getting concerned more and more as well.

“How bad is it? Did it happen in the past?” – I asked quietly.

“I can’t really tell you the details, mate. It’s not mine to share.” – Phil said.

“Well, what can we do? Do we wait? What if something actually happened?”

My mind went crazy, I was actually considering going to California to check on him or beat him up if he was fine all along.

“Dream, I honestly don’t know. I feel so powerless. He probably needs someone. He also moved out from his family recently, which makes it even worse. He is in a fucking different state! Or at least he was, when I last spoke with him. I’ve thought about sending the police.” – now he was getting panicked.

“Phil, which state? Maybe…” – I stopped myself – “maybe someone could check on him. Police could be a problem.”

“He should be in Michigan. And yeah, the police could be trouble.”

“What. Michigan? Why? It’s like so far from Cali.”

“He wanted a fresh start somewhere colder, he liked the snow, that’s what he told me.” – he paused – “Dream… I’ll wait one more day and I think I will fly to check on him. Please don’t tell anyone about this. And don’t leak his new address or anything.”

“What the fuck Phil. I would never do that.”

I felt a lump forming in my throat. I didn’t even like the guy. Why would I even consider going so far to see if he was okay. That is so fucking stupid. Phil is his best friend, he can take care of this, surely.

But Phil is in England, he has a wife, he just bought a new house. Jesus, fuck.

“Phil, give me his address, if he doesn’t reach out or show any signs of being alive I will go, okay?” – I said, before thinking about it for too long.

“Clay, I don’t know. You don’t even really know him. I’m not sure if you can-“

“Yeah, I know, he isn’t exactly fond of me. Let’s wait until tomorrow evening. He doesn’t respond and I will book a ticket. I will just see if he is alright and call you if something is wrong. It will be easier this way.”

Where the fuck was this coming from? Yeah, sure, great idea Clay! Put your whole life on hold and go to fucking Michigan to check on some guy you wanna beat up in a block game. Fuck. But I was worried. And I wanted to help.

“I want to help, Phil.” – I said after a bit of silence.

“Okay, I’ll DM you the address. If you fucking dox him I am going to kill you.”

“Jesus Christ, Phil. Who do you think I am?” – I growled.

“I’m just saying. We haven’t talked much and I am going to give you my best friend’s and your nemesis’, or whatever, you think he is to you, address.” – he said calmly.

“I guess that’s fair. Alright, I’ll talk to you tomorrow.”

I spent the rest of the day nervously walking around, eating shit food and checking my discord every two minutes. Fucking hell, I’m going to have to go to Michigan, aren’t I? I just hope he isn’t dead. He can’t be, right? Right? Fuck. No, he can't be. Afterall, he is Technoblade.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Okay, so i switched to Dream's pov for this chapter. I don't think I'll do it often, but it seemed right for this one. Techno pov next chapter for sure and it won't be a pleasant one.


	4. The Mighty, Terrifying Beast

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: self-harm, mentions of trauma and suicide, slight gore

Cold droplets fell from his unkempt hair and trailed down to his slightly trembling chin. He breathed shallow, fast breaths with his mouth opened. The skin on his bruised hands turned more transparent every time he looked down on them. He liked the color of the bruises, soft yellow and harsh purple that seemed black in some spots, all that in a halo of fading pink. He lifted his left hand to inspect it closer, he slowly put it into a fist and felt a dull pain radiating from his knuckles. He didn’t like it dull like that, like it was only an aftertaste of the real thing.

He was standing there for quite a while now. Working up the nerves to actually look at his reflection in the mirror. He knew that it was bad, yet he didn’t feel prepared to face himself. So he left the bathroom without ever lifting his head. Still wet from the first shower he took in a week, he put on some sweatpants, took a sip of an energy drink and went outside. He stood on his balcony and smoked. It reminded him of that one evening on the balcony in Alaska. How warm and calm he felt. How hopeful he was. Oh how stupid he was, thinking that would last. It was cold and he was wearing nothing, but his sweats. He could swear that his scalp and chest were practically freezing.

_It’s okay. It only takes a few minutes to finish a cig, you sure can endure. You like the cold._

It wasn’t okay. He shouldn’t have to endure anything, but there he was – too tired to fight and too empty to think much about it.

Shaking violently he entered the living room. He glanced at his shattered phone lying next to the small dent in the floor. He stood like this, shaking and half-naked for a while, just trying to remember why he’s done it. He couldn’t. It was all a blur of cries, punches and an overwhelming sense of complete desperation.

Sun came down like every day. The darkness was comforting and terrifying at the same time. He was exhausted from the nightmares and constant noise in his head. He really needed rest. Every time he was close to falling asleep this voice kept on creeping and crawling inside his skull, making him feel like he was nothing but a defenseless bag of flesh and blood.

_Yeah, right. The sleep will only bring more nightmares. Maybe some pills would help._

“They would, I’d never have to wake up again” – he whispered to the empty, pitch-black room. Out of nowhere his eyes filled with tears. There was no sobbing, no screaming. He just lied on his back, twitching from time to time as he felt tears fall down the sides of his face. ‘I’m so tired, please let it end’ – he thought.

He heard his phone vibrate on the floor in the living room. He knew it probably was his mother or father. They called often to check if he was “alright”. He didn’t exactly know why he’d turned off his wi-fi, but it made his life easier. Fewer things to think about and no one to talk to, except his family. None of his friends had his current phone number, he mostly spoke to them through discord.

He wiped his face dry and took a few shaky steps before sitting down on the floor next to his phone.

_Pick up. Otherwise, they’ll be worried and they’ll come here and they’ll see. They’ll see and they’ll try to fix you and they’ll worry. They’ll make you go to-_

He picked up, anxious and desperate to act normal. “Hello, how are you mom?— yeah, I was just going to sleep--- nah, it’s fine. Oh, I… uh, I read a little and played with friends. Normal stuff, normal day.--- Yeah, perhaps next month, I have a lot of work, editing and such.--- Okay, I love you too mom. Tell them I miss them as well. Byeee.” Thank God it was a short call. He exhaled. He was fine, she won’t worry.

_You’re so full of shit. But good, they don’t deserve this, they deserve so much better than you._

He thought so as well. He felt guilty for being the way he was. Always a fucked up mess needing saving and supervision to not slit his own throat. He briefly remembered his mother’s face all these years ago when he- ‘No, no. Stop. I don’t want to remember that. Stop.’ – he tried his hardest to clear his mind of those memories. He was constantly aware of what he’s done, but it wasn’t on the surface of his brain most of the time. It was just there, a mighty terrifying beast ready to wake up and attack at any given moment. Now it was on its longest prowl yet.

The next day he woke up in time, thank God. He slept only for about 3 hours, but he was relieved that he woke up in time, before his dream reached its climax. He went to the bathroom feeling ashamed and disgusting. He didn’t quite understand what was going on with him, it was familiar, but not clear. His piss was a dark shade of yellow, probably too dark. He leaned his head above the sink, in order to drink some water. He needed to cleanse himself, he felt himself rotting from the inside. He pressed his forehead against the faucet. The coldness of metal was nice. The mirror ominously hovering above his head, threatening to reveal how broken he actually was.

_You really can’t control yourself or your life at all. A bystander once again. Gone full circle. Again and again…_

These days, telling the voices and his own thoughts apart was getting harder and harder. He remembered that when he was younger he wanted to get rid of all control, to just let it all out, once and for all. To not worry about the consequences, about his family, scars, and blood. ‘Why worry about the things that haven’t happened yet, why learn from mistakes you haven’t even made yet’ – he used to think. What a cretin he was.

His mind lingered on the thought of blood slowly leaking from his veins. He liked blood, the color of it, the smell, the warmth. He shook his head, knowing better than to go to this place right now. It was a new day, he could try once more to do something to break the cycle. Feeling a little bit better he lifted his head from the faucet and rubbed some cold water on his face. And then he accidentally looked.

His breath caught in his throat and he felt his whole body tense. Now that he’s looked, he couldn’t tear his eyes apart from the reflection. His once deep brown eyes were hollow and clouded, tinted with red. A deep purple lying below them. There were wrinkles all around his eyes, on his forehead, his smile lines. His skin was dry, deprived of any color that would imply that it’s alive. The lips were chapped and pale. On his right cheek, there were shallow scratch marks. He hasn’t shaved in weeks, but even his so-called “beard” was pathetic. He also noticed his hair slowly thinning. He looked as if he’s aged at least five years.

He watched himself as tears started to form in his eyes and his expression changed from shock to that of pain and misery. He felt surreal like he was watching some stranger's breakdown from the sidelines. He’s separated from his body. That terrified him, he watched himself cover his mouth with a hand and shaking as the crying continued. He wanted to go back to feel something, even pain, anything, he couldn’t just watch, what if he was never able to go back again.

_We’ve been here before. You’ve disassociated. Stop this, now._

He screamed, he punched, he cried for help. Then he watched himself punch a hole in the mirror and felt a sharp pain, the real thing, not just the dull aftertaste. He breathed heavily, trembling. He looked at his hand, the blood was pouring out of it in crimson cascades. It was...’No, not beautiful. It is sick. I- I’m sick’. His hand was shaking from pain and shock, he ran cold water over it, trying to see if there were any glass shards, his eyes still clouded with tears, but the sobbing wasn’t as violent. As he was watching the water mix with blood, he saw a few little shards of glass in his wounds. His vision was getting foggy. He wrapped a towel around his hand and steadied himself with another, leaning on a wall. The world was getting blurry, then he heard his doorbell ring and forceful knocking.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So yeah, that's it. I don't really know what else to say. He'll get help I promise. And well, Dream's in the next one. 
> 
> I actually feel motivated to write this and I've enjoyed working on this, so I'll update at least once a week.
> 
> Also, the lack of any comments on this fic is very concerning to me


	5. Kind Intruder

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: mention of blood, panic

He opened his eyes to be blinded by the brightest and the whitest light he’s ever seen. He immediately squeezed his eyes shut. He tried to lift his hand to rub his face and was stopped by sudden, harsh pain. He then tried using his other hand, but as he tried to bend it in his elbow, he was met with another kind of pain. The prickly discomfort. Getting slightly annoyed he forced his eyes to open with a grunt. After his vision adjusted to the unbearable brightness, he looked around still squinting.

The walls were colored in bland, light yellow. It was a rather small space with one big window and one chair close to the bed in which he was laying. The room was awfully clean and boring. Looking down on himself, he noticed plain sheets draped over his body and his arms resting on the covers. His right hand was tightly bandaged, and an IV needle was sticking from the elbow of his left arm. He was hit by a cold wave of realization, fully awake and conscious now.

He wasn’t quite sure what to do now. For a brief moment, he considered sneaking out, hoping he wouldn’t have to talk to anyone and would just get to leave. He took in his surroundings once more, a little panicked now. There was a white bedside table with one closed drawer. He tried to reach it without tugging his IV too much. He couldn’t stand the needle inside him.

_Pull it out, you’ve seen how it’s done before._

“God damnit” – he spat out quietly as he tried pulling it out of his elbow with his throbbing, bandaged hand. He cursed some more, before deciding to use his mouth. He pulled it out violently as he was beyond frustrated at this point. It didn’t hurt half as much as he predicted. It was fine, only a few droplets of blood trailed down his arm and stained the sheets.

He reached and opened the drawer, there was a phone inside and a note with a number written on it. It wasn’t his phone, he wasn’t even sure if he should touch it. He briefly saw his reflection on a black screen and he started to remember more clearly what has happened. He sat up a little, trying to connect the pieces together. The cold faucet against his skin, the dreaded sight of his own face and then… He wasn’t sure, he remembered the blood and the glass, not much more. He felt his eyes fill with water once again, but this time he stopped himself from crying.

He put the phone on the nightstand. He was afraid to unlock it, he didn’t know whose it was and how it got here. His breathing was getting more panicked. He worried that someone found him in his flat, called for help and his parents were alerted. What if they were to walk into the room right now. What if they’ve seen him in that state. The walls were closing in on him, his body was trembling and all he wanted to do is run. But the rational part of his troubled brain was still conscious and he knew there was no use in running. It was already too late. He closed his eyes in an attempt to calm himself. “It will all pass, it’s okay, it’s fine, it will pass” – he repeated quietly as he gradually steadied his breathing.

“Oh, you’ve woken up. How are you feeling?” – he jumped a little, pulled out of his mind suddenly. He looked up to see an older nurse at the foot of his bed. Her head tilted slightly to the side, she observed him with a concerned look. He couldn’t make out her expression and features, he didn’t have his glasses on. He looked around once more frantically, trying to spot them laying anywhere.

“Are you confused? Do you know where you are?” – she asked patiently.

“Oh, uh… No, no. I’m sorry, I’m just looking for my glasses, I just remembered that I’m quite blind” – he said and instantly cringed a little inside, wanting to just disappear.

The nurse chuckled a little. “I’m sorry, dear. I’m afraid your friend hasn’t brought your glasses when he administered you.”

“Huh? My friend?” – he squeezed the bridge of his nose, trying to remember anything – “I’m sorry, I don’t remember much, who exactly brought me here? How long I’ve been asleep? I have no idea what day or time it is. It’s still February, right?” – he was getting panicked once more.

The nurse moved closer, leaned a little and took his left arm. She shook her head, clearly concerned, since she’s noticed dried blood and a bruise forming where the IV should be. “It’s okay, try to stay calm” – she reached for the IV and started replacing the needle.

“Okay, I will, but please don’t put that needle in me, I’m fine, okay?”

She looked up a little surprised, but respectfully put the IV away. “Alright, I think you’re hydrated enough now, anyway” – she sighed and continued – “So, your roommate brought you in yesterday afternoon. It’s around 11 am right now. So, you haven’t slept for that long. You were very tired, dehydrated and well…” – she gestured towards his bandaged hand – “you’ve lost some blood. The wounds were quite deep, but dr Martinez cleaned and stitched them easily.”

“Okay, um… so what day is it? I’m sorry, I still feel a little confused.” – he said, somewhat relieved that his family wasn’t mentioned, but concerned at the same time about this supposed roommate he had.

“It’s fine, don’t apologize. It’s 3rd of March today. You were passed out, so you might need a minute to process this all.” 

So he lost some time. He wasn’t exactly surprised, for the last couple of weeks, he’s been trapped in his head a lot.

“Okay. And that roommate… which roommate it was? And did they tell you if they'd be back or something?” – he asked carefully, since he never had a roommate to begin with. What if this person dropped him off here and looted the apartment. What if there was some homeless guy living in it now? Did he open the door for them?

“The tall blonde one. He was here most of the day yesterday, but left for the night to get some sleep. He left you a phone if I remember correctly.” – the nurse spoke softly, pointing to the bedside table. He only hummed in response. Of course, he had no idea who she was talking about.

After getting his belongings and clothes, he soon left the hospital and headed home. He considered using the phone and calling this stranger, but he was too anxious to do so. He decided that he instead will ignore everything that has happened and go on with his life. Never thinking or speaking about it again. In reality, some part of him had a feeling that it is not over and that he’d meet the guy whether he liked it or not. He had trouble lying to himself and keeping it out of his mind, but somehow he managed to keep his head empty for the rest of the walk. 

An enormous wave of anxiety hit him when he tried to open the door to his flat and discovered that they were unlocked. He felt as the time had stopped. Holding his breath he turned the knob slowly and listened closely to any noise coming from the inside. He heard nothing. He entered still cautious and closed the door as soon as he walked through the door. He exhaled finally and panted a little. “Fucking hell, I’ll have to change the locks” – he muttered to himself, feeling the tension leaving his body. He put on his glasses that were laying on the counter. He definitely did not put them there.

“Jesus fucking Christ, you should’ve called me, I would pick you up, you scared me to death!” – he heard a voice coming from the kitchen and soon a man emerged.

“From what I can tell, you are very much alive” – he said studying the man and forcing his body to straighten up. He could swear he’s heard his voice before, but couldn’t quite place him. He looked around looking for anything he could use as a weapon. “Who the fuck are you and why are you in my apartment?”

“Who the fuck am I? Techno chill, I’ve just walked in to check if you came back, since the nurse told me you’ve left the hospital. I took the spare keys yesterday” – the man said, raising his hands to signal that he wasn’t a threat.

“Who are you? And how the fuck do you know who I am?” – Techno growled, getting more and more panicked.

“Jesus, you don’t remember anything, do you?” – the stranger sighed and rubbed his eyes, clearly tired and frustrated. “Hello, I’m Clay, nice to meet you in person, Techno. Although I wish the circumstances would be different, ‘cause I would love to beat your ass instead of taking care of you.” 

The world seemed to spin around for a second as the realization finally came. He took a few shaky breaths, staring at Clay with his mouth opened in shock. He felt his knees going a little weak, but he didn’t allow himself to fall or look even more pathetic in front of his colleague. He swallowed loudly, looking at the man in front of him more closely. ‘Yeah, just as I’ve imagined’ – he thought, relaxing his body a little and walking a little closer to Dream, as his usual façade came to save him from any genuine interaction. Green eyes, freckles and faint tan. He admired other man's features for a bit. He wasn't exactly impressed, he didn't have much interest in people's appearances, but he could tell that Dream was attractive. He felt a little disappointed when he noticed the lack of a green hoodie, Clay was wearing some bland t-shirt instead. He would love to make fun of the hoodie. ‘Such a great opportunity missed.’ He cleared his throat and walked past the other man, reaching for the cigarettes laying on the counter.

“Okay, if anything, I could kick YOUR ass, for trespassing. What are you doing here again? Are you also homeless in real life?” – he left for the balcony and lit his cigarette using his healthy hand. Then it hit him.

Dream knew. He saw. Instantly, his mind screamed.

_Make him leave. He can’t be here, he can’t ask questions. He will tell people, he won’t understand. What have you done, what the fuck have you done._

“What the hell is wrong with you! I’m only here to-“

But he couldn’t hear anything, but the voices anymore. His eyes open wide, he couldn’t breathe. That was it. He started shaking again, dropping his cigarette, covering his mouth, trying to stop himself from making any sound as he stood back turned to the man in his home. He remembered his mother's face, how hurt it looked when she realized.

_The fuck are you doing? Fucking useless, get rid of him, now. Stop being worthless._

“I… I-I need you to leave right now, Dream” – he forced himself to speak, his voice weak and trembling. A brief silence followed.

_Speak the fuck up. Where is your "wit" now? Pathetic._

“Shit. I- I’m sorry. Uhh… here you go” – Clay said softly, breaking the silence, handing him another cigarette– “It’s fine, alright? Calm yourself a bit. I will give you some time to process and wait for you in the kitchen. Take your time and we’ll talk, okay? I saw you had some tea” – Dream carefully squeezed his shoulder, he flinched and shifted away slightly.

“Okay…” – he exhaled heavily – “okay.”

_What are you doing?_

Clay left him alone on the balcony and he let the tears fall, smoking frantically and wondering how did he end up here.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's quite a rollercoaster, a bit too chaotic, I'm sorry. I'm not good at first meetings, but I hope you've enjoyed it anyway
> 
> I'll post another chapter sometime this week, thanks for reading my dudes


	6. Here We Are

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> TW: some trauma, not too heavy

„And so I’ve spoken to Phil once again to tell him that I’m gonna come here and check on you. And as you can tell, I did. I was quite… well, scared to see you, but here we are.” – Clay spoke slowly, avoiding any eye contact with him.

He looked at Dream from time to time, but mostly just stared down at his tea, trying to keep it together. He calmed a little, but his heart was still racing and shivers went down his spine sometimes. He felt more vulnerable than ever before in his life. Clay wasn’t even his friend, barely a colleague. He was actually pretty sure that the man had some grudge against him and he didn’t like the guy very much either, but now he had to reevaluate. ‘Why did he come? It doesn’t make any sense’ – he thought, trying to comprehend the whole situation. A shaky, tired sigh escaped him and he rubbed his eyes, wondering what he should even say in that situation.

“Are you alright? I don’t have to go on, we can do this later, Dave, maybe you should rest, I dunno” – he felt Dream’s eyes on him. The man was clearly concerned and treated him as if he was some fine china that would crumble under the slightest touch. After what Clay saw, it was kind of expected, but he still felt a bit insulted. He took Dream’s tone as condescending.

“Yeah, it’s fine” – he sighed once again, never lifting his head – “Please don’t call me Dave, okay? No one calls me that really, it feels weird.”

“Oh, okay, sure.” – Clay answered taken aback a little.

“So, have you called Phil yesterday? and…” – he gritted his teeth and forced himself to look Dream in the eye to see if the man would be sincere with him – “and, well… what have you told him?”

He watched closely as Clay avoided any eye contact and fidgeted nervously. He also noticed a pretty shade of pink hugging the other’s face.

_Of course, he doesn’t want to talk about this. What did you think, it’s too awkward talking about what a fuck-up you are._

‘Cringy would be a better word, but fair’ – he answered the voice in his head. More so, he corrected it. That was a first in quite some time, he felt some control coming back to him, but he also was perfectly aware that as soon as Dream tells him what exactly he saw or heard the voices will take the strings back immediately. He thought of himself as nothing more than a puppet in their hands, fighting for every inch of control.

“Listen, you were the one that wanted to talk this all over. I need to know, okay? I’m very aware that it wasn’t pretty, but stop with building up this tension or whatever” – he said firmly, preparing for the shame that was to come.

Dream exhaled a small, timid breath before speaking.

“I just… I just don’t want you to be hurt or feel guilty or-“

“Stop.” – he put his hand into a fist, feeling angry and sad at the same time – “It’s fine. Tell me what you saw, what happened, and what you’ve told Phil. You won’t fucking break me” – he said knowing almost too well that he actually might break pretty easily at any point in this conversation.

Clay actually looked at him this time. He didn’t really like being under the man’s gaze, but he couldn’t look away now and show any hesitation if he wanted to know what happened.

“Well, then” – Dream cleared his throat – “when I came over I heard a noise coming from your flat. I think you were crying, I heard you bump into a wall or something, it was hard to tell. I’ve tried ringing the bell and knocking, but the only response I got was more bumping noises. I thought you fell down or something. I didn’t know what was going on, to be honest.”

‘Yeah, how could you know' – he thought to himself, feeling as if his skin was shrinking around him.

“I knocked harder, hoping that you would answer. I was about to call 911, but then I actually tried the doorknob. And yeah, thank God you’ve left the door unlocked. You shouldn’t do that normally, by the way.”

“I’m aware, but yeah… safety wasn’t exactly my biggest concern around that time” – he almost whispered, not being able to hold eye contact anymore.

Dream shifted slightly in his seat at that remark and swallowed audibly before continuing his story.

“Yeah, uhh so I’ve walked in, you were…” – Clay felt tears forming in his eyes but stopped them from falling or lingering – “well, you were lying on the floor, a small puddle of blood next to your hand,” – Clay gestured towards his bandaged hand – “I think you had a towel wrapped around it and it was completely soaked. I run to you, you were unconscious. I saw the glass shards on the bathroom floor and the shattered mirror. I could tell what happened… more or less, I guess.”

_Yeah, sure. As if he could even begin to comprehend what a mess you’ve made of your life._

What a sight it must have been, just imagining Dream walking in on this was making him sick. He felt himself being extremely close to the edge. He instinctively bent his bandaged fingers to keep himself aware of his body. ‘It’ll be alright, it’s fine, just focus on your senses, it’ll pass, you won’t separate again, not in front of him, you won't do that to him’ – he tried to think as his mind was screaming. He gave all he had to stay collected on the outside and at least present inside.

“You looked like you haven’t eaten for days, I thought that you… I thought that I came too late. I’ve called 911, we went to the hospital. You woke up briefly in the ambulance.”

He tried to remember this. He faintly remembered someone holding his shoulder and looking down on him with watery, pretty green eyes. He remembered saying something or maybe not? Maybe it was some kind of fever dream, he couldn’t tell.

“While the doctor was taking care of you, I came back here to find your phone, your keys, and spare ones for myself in case I needed them later. I couldn’t find your phone, so I bought you a new one. Don’t worry, you can PayPal me later” – Dream said with some playfulness to his voice, trying to lighten the mood a bit, trying to distract him for a bit.

It kind of worked, he felt the tiniest bit of tension leaving his body and he scoffed lightly.

“Bruh, my phone works fine and is laying somewhere in the living room, I believe. Better say goodbye to that money” – he said, retrieved the new phone from his pocket and handed it to Dream.

“Will see about that” – Dream smiled hesitantly, carefully almost.

He looked at the man on the other side of the table. Clay seemed uneasy.

“Go on with the story… it is what it is, it’s fine” – he said, feeling guilty and ashamed. He struggled to ignore all the thoughts and voices racing uncontrollably fast inside him. He tried to force emptiness on himself. He always thought that feeling anything, even misery is better than feeling nothing at all. Right now though, he wanted nothing more than to feel nothing at all and kill all the emotions.

“That’s it really. I called the nurse today, she said that you were ok and have left, so I came here from my Air BnB, and yeah, now we’re here.”

“Yeah, we are…” – his head was begging for some rest. He was exhausted, but he still needed to face one more thing as soon as possible – "So, about Phil. Have you told him everything?" 

Dream looked down at his hands.

“Yes, what else was I supposed to do? He was so worried about you, he needed to know, he would kill-“

“Hey, it’s fine. I understand. It is my fault, okay?” – he said quietly.

“That’s not what I meant.”

“It’s fine. I’m really sorry, Dream. You shouldn’t have to witness it all and…” – his voice went weak – “I’m sorry. I don’t want to bother you anymore, I’m fine. You can go, I don’t want to waste any more of your time.”

He felt overwhelming hatred and disappointment towards himself. They were ugly emotions, especially when they mixed. Those feelings can eat a person up very slowly, savoring every little bite, reveling in every little piece of the soul they come to consume. The worst thing is after they are done, you are left hollow, being forced to live with the shadow you've become. It hurt, everything inside him hurt.

“Can I stay?” – he heard Dream’s voice, its usual confident tone was nowhere to be found, it was a shy request. It sounded genuine, which took him by surprise.

“Why?”

“I want to.”

“But why?”

He couldn’t decipher any hidden intentions. He couldn’t even hear pity in the man’s voice, and pity he always noticed, he got good at it.

“Listen, I came all the way here. We could at least hang out a bit, get to know each other, you know? You kinda owe me that, dude.” – Dream said lightly.

There was nothing light about this predicament nor this conversation, nothing at all. He was absolutely bewildered by Clay’s casual friendliness. How his colleague just moved on, without any cheap, fake empathy or further questions.

“Umm, okay.” – he heard himself say.

_What the fuck? Don’t impose on him, let him leave, you are not his problem. He was just being polite, you brainlet._

“Thank you” – Dream smiled widely, revealing subtle dimples – “so what you wanna do? Maybe we could watch or play something?”

He felt warmth coming up to his cheeks. He was overwhelmed, moved. He didn’t understand what it was, but a lump formed in his throat. He felt as if he was about to melt. He thought about what to say or do, but he kept just looking at Dream confused.

“Uhh.. we could order some food, I’m hungry” – Dream said, looking at him also confused from all the confusion in the room.

“Oh, right, sure” – he finally said – “you can order something’ I need to-, I need to call Phil first, I- I can’t put it off, I don’t want him to… to, you know.”

“Yeah, I do. Go on and take your time, I’ll order something and wait.”

“Uhm… thank you, Dream.” – he said and walked to pick up his shattered phone from the living room floor. He then plugged in his router and locked himself in his bedroom.

_r u up? i want to talk._

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> They be kinda soft
> 
> I wanna thank you all for all the feedback. It means the world to me that someone actually reads this and enjoys it <3
> 
> See yall in the next one my dudes, have a great day


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